Operator: White House. How may I direct your call?
Austin Cooper: Legislative affairs please.
Operator: Making America great again by transferring you.
Donald Trump: This is the 45th president.
AC: I’m sorry. I asked to be transferred to legislative affairs.
DT: I handle communications, legal and legislative affairs for the president, which would be me. Sometimes people call me Prime Minister Trump.
AC: Sorry, I know you’re busy, Mr. President.
DT: I’m not busy, promise.
AC: How come? You’re the president.
DT: Well I am kind of busy looking at inauguration photos. It was the most beautiful day in the world.
AC: Why are you doing that?
DT: Were you one of three billion cheering Americans and Russians present? What’s your name?
AC: Sir, my name is Austin Cooper and no, I was not.
DT: I’m not surprised you were not there because there would have been no room for you on the Mall.
AC: President Trump, please stop looking at those photos.
DT: But what about Obama?
AC: What about him?
DT: Obama keeps saying that his crowd sizes were larger at his inaugurations than mine.
AC: Your predecessor has not publicly expressed an opinion on this matter.
DT: Did you see Comey, JFK and Prince when you were standing out there?
AC: I wasn’t present.
DT: You didn’t come because you did not to go to the Wharton School of Business, huh?
AC: Mr. President, I did my graduate work at Columbia University.
DT: Hillary went there, didn’t she?
AC: No, but President Obama did.
DT: Have you ever seen Obama’s grades?
AC: No sir. Nor has he ever seen mine.
DT: Do you golf?
AC: I’m learning the game.
DT: Obama golfed way more than I do?
AC: You are about to surpass him just seven months into your presidency.
DT: Did Obama release his taxes?
AC: He did.
DT: He was weak.
AC: It was a prerequisite for all presidential candidates, until you came along.
DT: Should I release mine?
AC: Well, it would certainly address some concerns regarding your business dealings.
DT: How about I get the IRS to release Reince’s taxes? Or Mueller’s?
AC: Reince Priebus is not running for office. And I would not mess with Bob Mueller. Besides, it’s illegal to ask the IRS to release someone’s taxes.
DT: Mueller is weak. Do you think Vladimir Putin likes me?
AC: Wow, Mr. President, only you can answer that question. But you do seem in awe and afraid of him. Does he have anything on you?
DT: He has lots of stuff on Jared, Ivanka and Frederick Douglass, but nothing on me.
AC: Why’d you fire Comey?
DT: I fired Hillary.
AC: You defeated Hillary at the polls. You fired Comey.
DT: Lester Holt fired him.
AC: No, Mr. President, you were interviewed by Lester the day after you fired Director Comey and admitted that you did so to end any investigation of Russian influencing our election.
DT: I beat Hillary, didn’t I?
AC: She won the popular vote, but you got more electoral votes. So you won.
DT: So who is the president?
AC: You are sir.
DT: Did Billy Bush vote for me?
AC: I doubt it.
DT: Would you like a piece of chocolate cake?
AC: I am not in the White House, so that is not an option. But thanks. Do you even like being president?
DT: Air Force One is a real dump, but I love that cool song they play whenever I walk into the room. Do they do that for you?
AC: No sir. I am not the president.
DT: Are you a Boy Scout?
AC: Mr. President, no. I am almost 55 years old.
DT: Being a Boy Scout is gonna help me make America great again, bigly.
AC: Did you just say that you’re a Boy Scout?
DT: The president of the Boy Scouts administered the oath to me when I recently addressed them.
AC: Wow. Somehow I missed that.
DT: You were probably watching fake news CNN. FOX covered my swearing-in live.
AC: You’re serious, aren’t you?
DT: Damn right. Do you know the Mooch?
AC: I had never even heard of him until he joined your administration for 10 days.
DT: Yeah, he and Michelle Obama used to date. Barack broke them up.
AC: Sir, where do you get this stuff?
DT: Duh, from the Bible. And I went to Wharton and became a Boy Scout.
AC: Have a great day, Mr. President.
Cooper is president of Cooper Strategic Affairs, Inc.